A post from Jennifer

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Hi – my name is Jennifer Cluff. I’m married to Bill. And he’s asked me to write this blog.  And so I do reluctantly.  Writing and me are are not good friends.

First I would like to thank you all for helping Bill remember his spiritual self through this blog.  Your kindness in sharing your energy with him is extraordinary.  And when he reads out to me some of the responses he receives, I get a tangible reminder of how the world is changing in a most wonderful way. I find it wonderful that people are communicating and sharing their innermost feelings on this blog. People we don’t know. People across the other side of the world. Really, it’s amazing. And it’s wonderful.

I must state very emphatically that I’m not a Camino walker.  I have no desire to be so.  I love Spain, I love Spanish food, I love walking, I love walking meditation, I love being on my own, I love the idea of the adventure of an albergue, I just LOVE churches, I love not washing my hair, but I have no desire whatsoever to walk the Camino. Bill had a strong calling. I don’t, and never had.

When I said good-bye to Bill at Sydney airport I was so relieved that I didn’t have to hear about the Camino for at least 24 hours, until he landed.

He drove me crazy for 6 months with his packing and unpacking, his weighing and discussions about all that he had weighed.  On and on and on.  When I kissed him goodbye at the airport, I was so happy he was finally on his way and our conversations could be about the reality of the Camino rather than the anxiety of what may happen.

(Actually, my last memory of saying goodbye to Bill is this: He wanted me to take a photo of him with his backpack just about to enter Immigration. I took the photo but he wasn’t happy with it. He told me it was out out of focus and there was too much “headroom.” He wanted me to take another one, which I did, and he wasn’t happy with that one either. So I took yet another, which he checked, then another one, then another one until I got one with just the right amount of “headroom,” but it was still “soft.” If his plane hadn’t been about to board I would have been there all afternoon. As he disappeared into Immigration and I walked away, I really felt sorry for any pilgrim who had to take his photo on the Camino!)

So finally he was gone and at last I had space where Bill wouldn’t be coming into the room wanting to talk about the Camino. You have no idea how obsessive he became. No matter what we talked about, no matter who we talked to, Bill could weave the Camino into any conversation. But at last I was free of all that.

During his pilgrimage, I would ring him 3 times a day 4.30pm, 7.30pm and 10.30pm.  There were times when he was very distraught with his pain, and there were times when he genuinely didn’t feel he could finish. I would tell him simply this was something he chose to do. And that he COULD overcome his pain, and he COULD finish, because I simply knew he could.

For me, intuitively I knew I had to make the most of my time alone to go on my own adventure.  And this I did.  I believe everyday is a pilgrimage and with Bill away, I was given an opportunity to devote more time each day to meditation and contemplation, and so I grabbed it.

I never doubted Bill would complete the Camino.  What I did wonder though was whether he would be able to bring his pilgrim self home with him. Could he bring his new found tolerance and relaxation back to his normal routine?  Well he has! All I can say is that the Camino is a powerful force for transformation.

All of us are living through a time of extraordinary change. It is hard to stay calm while the world as we know it is being re-shaped. Without a doubt I believe that those of you who are called to walk the energy line of the Camino are helping to ease us all gracefully through this change.

Jennifer.

Bill at airport

65 thoughts on “A post from Jennifer”

  1. Jennifer!!! How wonderful to hear from you.
    I totally get you about the mediation of walking….
    I call walking my “Bliss” and for me the Camino is my ultimate Bliss retreat. But I get that others find their bliss elsewhere. Dark chocolate is also my Bliss too (Tee hee hee hee)

    It is interesting to hear the insight of someone who watches another plan for a Camino.
    I don’t share my planning with hardly anyone…(I haven’t even let my family know yet that I am leaving in 5 weeks). For me to share my goals is like letting air out of a balloon…it takes away some of the energy.

    I have also been working a theory over the past week….(while I have been walking) that if we all walked a Camino (not necessary in Spain) but just took a long walk…..how simple and relaxed the world would be.

    As I have said before
    Solvitur ambulando – it is solved by walking

    Hope to hear from you again Jennifer :o)

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  2. Hi Abbey,

    I think you’re right. If everyone could find their own way to relax, whether it’s through chocolate or walking or meditation, 😊 then the world would be a better place.

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  3. Dear Jennifer, you must be an extraordinarily tolerant person living with Bill’s way of preparing for his walk!! and I totally understand your need to immerse yourself in your chance to be what you needed to be, given that time on your own. Thanks for sharing with the rest of us and have fun, if that’s the word for it, coming to a decision if walking a Way somewhere is what you need to do – and I just love the description of your airport farewell, having the, no doubt, already tense enough moments coalesce into a series of not good enough photos for the professional photographer, but it sounds as if you at least had a sense of humour about it!!

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    • Jen sure painted a great picture of their “farewell” didn’t she? 😉 I think she is a much better writer than she admits.

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      • Hi Julie & Debra,

        It’s 1:30am here in Australia and I just woke up to check the cricket scores. Jennifer and I are what’s called here cricket “tragics.”

        (First day of The Ashes, a major tournament between Aus and our old home country foes England. Against all predictions, on the first day at least, we’re doing well!)

        She never got that shot right, and posted it here regardless – which offends my aesthetic sensibilities, but in the spirit of generosity and openness with which I’ve fostered on this blog, I let her post it anyway…

        Now excuse me while I duck into my bomb shelter…

        😳😳😳😳

        Bill

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        • Bill I have heard that Aloe Vera or Arnika cream works well for bumps and bruises, especially those inflicted by frying pans to the skulls of husbands…..
          😀 😀
          Debra

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    • Bhasma, you are so right – a good sense of humour is so important. To laugh at the craziness I create for myself is my great luxury.

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  4. Hi Jennifer, Seems like I already know you but you have given new insights into not only yourself, but Bill also. I only wonder about Bill’s last blog about walking the Camino with or without Jennifer. Does he know another Jennifer, cause it certainly does not seem that you will be walking with him anytime soon. 🙂 Steve

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    • Dear Steve, I feel I’ve already done my walking through your blog, the rain – so much rain. I hope your getting some good summer weather at home..

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  5. I totally agree with you. I was going to do the camino with my niece this year and i changed my mind. She is high maintenance and i knew in my heart she will drive me crazy. So i decided to do it next year with my husband. He is 2nd generation from Galicia and he has always wanted to do the Camino. I just tagging along. We have been to REI over 50 times. 49 of those trips, so that he can exchange backpacks. I got mine on the first trip to REI. He finally got the same bag as Bill, but the 48 instead of the 38. Thanks Bill! Anyways, he has all these books, read all blogs and so on. That is all he thinks about. I totally understand what you went through. I know we will have an awesome Camino. We already know it is going to be a great experience. Hope you can make it with Bill in his next camino!

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    • Yes! the preparation for the hike has also become an obsession for Mike, my husband, but frankly it is a relief to me after 30+ years of conversations and much of the daily talk being about jobs,kids, extended family,the house, the cars, finances…..and a lot of other stuff that is more mundane, that we have had something more adventurous and exciting to discuss. I love that it is travel and adventure and cultural and spiritual. It has been such a fun thing to share! (Although I really don’t love REI so much anymore)
      The blog has been a big part of this prep. Some days I am first on the blog and bring it up and sometimes he is. We have had a lot of interesting little conversations because of this blog. Sometimes we sit in bed at night and look at the laptop together side by side and one of us reads aloud and then we look at the photos. Its such a pleasant way to end a day. Thanks for being a part of it.!! Off to Bali next week and then onto the Camino.

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    • I love the picture also, Debra….it is significant for the moment….and I wonder if the picture she took when she saw him again at the end of his Camino was a clearer.

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    • That out of focus photo just shows how excited he was to get on his way. (Like a child before Christmas.) Normally he keeps at me till I get the photo right.

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  7. Every thing I read on this blog contains layers and layers of wisdom….your post was just as deep and powerful as your husband’s, Jennifer. Thank you for taking the time to write to us.

    I understand being married to someone who doesn’t feel called. That doesn’t mean he isn’t called to do something else…like you used your time away for meditation. That is one reason why I want to walk it alone. Ideally, I would LOVE to have an opportunity to bond with him over this experience, and I would LOVE it if he was called as I am. But, he truly is not, and (God help me for saying this) I feel walking together would just reinforce some bad communication habits we have had over the years, diluting the individual, personal Camino experience for us both. I trust that we are at different points in our lives spiritually, and he needs to follow whatever calling he has.

    On a more concrete topic, I have researched this to the point of craziness just like Bill *smiles*, and I could see a head-butting of two entirely different intuitions. In my case, I cringe at the daily interrogation of, “Why do we have to do this?” “I told you there wouldn’t be enough bathrooms!” “Well MY intuition (snicker) says we should do something else.” And (what would be the ultimate) “I told you I would get bed bugs!” Of course, if I continued this imaginating (yes, that is a word, I just made it up…lol) he WOULD get bed bugs because he called them up from the Universe with his worries and I truly wouldn’t hear the end of it. Ever. For the rest of Our Lives. In every story about the Camino he would tell. Bed Bugs. Forever.

    Now, to balance this post a bit, I know myself too. Because I have researched it, he would find me just as annoying. I would want to do it “My Way” and maybe not trust his intuition when I should. “Honey, we should do it My Way. I am the one who spent two years reading and researching and praying about it.” (Yes, I would definitely throw in the praying part.) And then, when he got the Bed Bugs, I would apologize for the rest of Our Lives. Each and every time he would tell the story about the Bed Bugs. Forever. Apologizing. Obscuring anything Wonderful and Marvelous that had occurred. It would be all about the Bed Bugs.

    So, for the first time around, at least, I don’t see us going together….which makes me a little sad, but also incredibly excited at the same time. I have never done anything ALONE in my entire life. As a mom and wife, married at 20 and now 54, I need to do this to reset my spirituality and path in life. I need to do it before my body fails me more. I need to do it to see if I can heal parts of my body from years of taking care of other people and not myself. Yet, my only expectation is the opening of my soul during this experience. I crave that more than anything.

    So Sweet Jen, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your gentle wisdom about not going and letting him do what he was called to do. Your love for each other is genuine and precious…. XOXO Julie

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    • Julie, Learning to find that space that is yours after years of putting everyone else first is so important for every nurturer. I’m sure you’ve already found it. The Camino is just going to make it enormous.

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  8. Oh Jen! I love your story, and that photo of Bill-theres a look on his face that’s a combination of “I’m going to be sick” nervousness,”this had better be worth it” anxiety and “when are they going to call my flight and how hard can it be to snap.this picture?” Its a perfect portrait of your dream about to.come true and wondering if it was the right dream, at the very last minute. Its how we all feel on the precipice of change. My father was a packer like Bill, to the point of driving us all to fantasize about seperate vacations. The silence when a person in that frame of mind leaves the room is pure bliss no matter how much you love them. Thank you for so openly sharing the other side of the coin-its wonderful to read!

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    • Dear Sister,

      Jen will reply tomorrow, after she’s had her full 9 hrs of sleep! Or maybe 10hrs, because we stayed up late to watch the cricket.

      What I find interesting about that shot, other than she finally got the headroom right, (pity about the focus!), is that I’m wearing sunglasses inside, in the airport terminal.

      I was very closed. I was shutting the world out. I was hiding.

      At some point later on the Camino, I didn’t wear sunglasses in any of my photos. I had opened out. I had begun to let the world in.

      That to me is a very real and visual indication of the transformation I went through on the Camino.

      Bill

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    • Ha ha Sister Clare! My husband got his degree as a packaging engineer. In a PS to my post above I could see him packing his pack and mine. That could be a good or a bad thing! 😉

      Your perception of the picture is beautiful.

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  9. Jennifer what a loving and honest post. I can see so much of myself in Bill, the structure, the planning to a T, the control and “fixes” for any variable. What I learned, was that there is a simple pleasure of “loosening the reins”, to just let go and give others a chance to guide. I needed space to breath, so I walked, but more so, I needed to just let go and let some other force guide me. As a strong person, you sometimes too, need a strong shoulder to cry on and just cuddle up and give a big sigh and relax. The Camino embraced me and was a wonderful guide. and a big shoulder to lean on. What is so beautiful, bringing the Camino home with me, it has given my marriage a sense of ease that had not been there for many years and my home has become again that fortress of safety and love, we had started to build and along the way just had a bit of bad plumbing. 😉 For the first time in a very long time, I no longer want to be Captain, I love being First Mate.

    Light and Love Ingrid

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    • Ingrid, How beautifully expressed! You brought the Camino home with you! How wonderful that is!!!

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  10. Jennifer, I beg to differ, I think you have an awesome way with words! Thank you for sharing your perspective with us. I hope you become a “regular” on the blog. I wonder if post-Camino, Bill is more relaxed about your photography skills? I can only imagine the “pain” involved in taking a photograph of a photographer/film maker. Not pretty. Big smile.

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  11. Just had another thought, perhaps your camera was supposed to capture an out-of-focus Bill before his Camino. I have observed the sometimes not so subtle shift in his focus along the Camino as exemplified by his postings along the Way. Just saying.

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  12. Thank you Jennifer! Whether you think of yourself as a writer or not you have a very good way with words.
    I understand the 24/7/365 obsession with the Camino. I don’t leave for another 445 days (countdown apps on my phone) and yet it is all I think about every moment of every day. If I could, I would buy my airplane ticket today, as well as my equipment, pack my things and repack and pack again until my plane left the ground September 2014. I know I too can turn any conversation between my Bill and myself around to the Camino no matter where it starts. Of course I also do this with my trip to Ireland last year.

    I understand too, your seizing the opportunity to do those things that make you feel more complete without considering someone else’s schedule or preferences. My partner hasn’t worked for the last couple years and is home all day everyday. I almost never have the house to myself for more than an hour anymore. I love him and love spending time with him but miss having time at home by myself. Right now I’m trying to convince him to go visit his folks for a couple weeks so I can have some serious me time!

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    • Karen, no truer words have been spoken, especially your second paragraph. I have gotten used to it by now (sort of), but I do cherish the 1 day a month when hubby has to go to the office. I so can relate to the having time at home by myself. Yesterday, happened to be one of such days… very timely too, I needed a day without distractions.

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    • But why is it this way Karen? Why does the lead up to the Walk become so all-consuming? Something wonderful is going on when just planning the Camino is filled with so much excitement.

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  13. Jennifer and Bill, I am not a deep, spiritual person, but, in my (mental) preparation for my (our, my wife and I) own Camino in a month or so, I find myself looking at PGS The Way every day. There is something here that touches deep inside, and I am so pleased to have stumbled on Bill’s blog for so many reasons. It was Bill’s choice of WordPress that led me to explore how to write a blog, and I have just emailed my family asking them to follow mine. (I thank Bill for being the first to follow my blog). That’s one reason. To hear the point of view of another Camino walker. That’s another. I love the followup words of many readers, from Sister Clare to mention just one. There’s a third. I feel blessed that my wife of 31 years will be walking with me. To now have read your words makes me feel like I have “met” both of you. It is a privilege to be part of this community, and I thank you both. To both of you, good luck in your future wanderings, wherever they take you. Peter

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    • Hi Peter, What’s your blog? BTW, I still stand by that your rain pants wont do you much good because you will get wetter inside from perspiration and condensation, which will not dry out while they are on you, then you would from letting it rain on your quick dry trekking pants and letting them dry off on their on. They will never dry inside the rain pants. Steve

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      • At last-here’s the man to.ask. Steve, do you have to wear other pants under the rain pants or could you manage with just skivvies, making them cooler?

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        • Sister, Personally I would prefer wearing the quick dry pants and no rain pants. Without any pants on under rain pants i believe your legs will still be wetter and colder than with just quick dry pants. You perspire and set up condensation in the rain gear that makes you wetter than being rained on and it does not dry out. And it is chilly. Just my opinion. Steve

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          • Thanks Steve, thats exactly what I wanted to know. I don’t see any point using a non breathing fabric that keeps you wet on the inside, with little chance of drying out.

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          • Don’t worry Steve. Habit fabric breathes quite well. The veil can even have umbrella-like properties. But they are very bulky and I haven’t figured out how to wear one, pack another, and with my other stuff still come in at 5.89kg. Lots of time to work on it though.I’ve often thought they should make an Indian Cotton version for warm weather. I do have a nylon anorak if it pours.

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          • Don’t worry Steve. Habit fabric breathes quite well. The veil can even have umbrella-like properties. But they are very bulky and I haven’t figured out how to wear one, pack another, and with my other stuff still come in at 5.89kg. Lots of time to work on it though.I’ve often thought they should make an Indian Cotton version for warm weather. I do have a nylon anorak if it pours.

            And Bill-I promise I’m working on it.

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    • Peter, when will you be on the camino, Mike and I will be out there in August, maybe our paths will cross. We are spending our 30th reunion on the Camino? He has started his blog “pre-Camino” for the practice. Are you comfortable to exchange blogsites? Maybe we will encounter each other along the way? Kathryn and Mike
      rambler1959.wordpress.com

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      • Hi Kathryn and Mike, wouldn’t it be great to meet on the Camino! At the moment we plan to start from SJPdP about September 9, but nothing is set in concrete except that my holidays start on September 1. Hopefully we will come across you on the way. Our blog is caminoourway.wordpress.com. Ciao, Peter

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    • Dear Peter,

      what beautiful sentiments, thank you!

      You and your wife will have an extraordinary time, I’m sure – and I’m very much looking forward to following your blog.

      This blog – any blog really – is only as interesting or useful as the people who contribute with comments, questions and their own take on whatever’s being discussed.

      I’m very fortunate that this blog has attracted some very wise and compassionate souls, and perhaps more importantly there’s a nice “tone” here – respectful and supportive.

      You and your wife must be very excited about going soon – I envy you. I wish I could head off again soon.

      I hope you have great weather, and that your preparations leading up to your departure go smoothly.

      Bill

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      • Thanks Bill, we are getting very excited, if a little nervous, as we commence our practice walks. I recall you writing about your walks around rural Mudgee – we hope to do a 15 km walk this weekend around Noosa. I really do value your blog, and your followers. Ciao, Peter

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  14. Jennifer, How delightful. So funny and still the love shows through. It’s nice to hear your voice, although Bill had done a loving and perceptive characterization throughout his posts.

    I doubt I’ll ever make it to the Camino, but you never know. However, Steve has been staying with Mom and me this past year. When Jill suggested he watch “The Way,” we ordered it, watched it and lo and behold the next morning he came downstairs and announced the two of them had decided to take the walk. Steve always plans everything he does way in advance and to the last detail. Has always worked well for him, I might add.

    We got a bit of his planning and training, though most was done with others or in Henderson at Mom and Dad’s house. However, not long after they decided on the trip, he decided he’d better learn Spanish. As a perfectionist like our Mom, he found the slow going frustrating to sway the least. I came into the kitchen one day shortly after that and found cute little yellow sticky tabs, each with a Spanish word posted on the appropriate article. Sugar bowol, knife, fork, window, etc, etc. I don’t know how much they helped, but those little yellow spots did add a bit of sunshine to the kitchen. We all tried to help him, though no one speaks fluent Spanish except Mom’s caregiver who helps us a couple of days a week. The surprise was that Mom would chime in and correct him occasionally or add the missing word. Come to find out she had had Spanish in grade school. I must confess I did remove all the little yellow stickers while he was walking, but not until I was sure he was in Spain.

    I admire these guys (and gals) so much who’ve conquered this walk or are on their way. What a great group. I absolutely love this blog.

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    • Barbara, I think all those Camino walkers need those of us who will stay at home. We have our own ways of supporting them. It seems more and more people know someone who is walking. Amazing how the way is covering the world.

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  15. Hi Jennifer – I too hope that you continue to blog … I echo everyone’s thoughts and add that if you continue to blog, there will be a sense of ‘completeness’ … to have your thoughts and insights will be a wonderful thing.
    Re: your own Camino, I think you and Bill already know the answer! Buen Camino! Cheers, Jenny

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  16. LOVE the photo, nice to see Bill how he *really* is, not some squeaky clean professional photographer version of him instead !!!

    BLACK !!!

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  17. NOOOO … more Camino blogs I’ll feel compelled (just kidding!!) to follow!! I knew my life would change with getting involved with just the idea of the Camino, but had not imagined that it would extend to feeling so hopelessly enmeshed in this wider Camino blog world – again, thanks to you all for being so open, funny, engaged, entertaining, companionable and compassionate!!

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  18. Jennifer, thankyou so much for taking the challenge to contribute to Bill’s blog. Like many others, I feel I know you both. It has certainly been a most enlightening and enriching experience to be part of this blog and to share in Bill’s amazing journey, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Those who have been contributors have also been extraordinary in their generosity and openness. You expressed so beautifully the way you can give each other “space.” As I read Bill’s blog, often with mention of Jennifer, it reminded me very much of the troops overseas and the family at home who have to continue doing what they need to do.

    If this is what Bill is like via a keyboard, I can only imagine that being with him every day must bring you many amazing conversations, challenges, laughs and great happiness. You are both truly blessed.

    I wondered how you managed with Bill being in Spain and suffering as he did, especially with his knee. I was delighted to read of your time alone. In so many ways, you enjoyed your own Camino experience without having to leave home – walking, meditating, contemplating, whilst supporting Bill through his challenges. As they say, behind every successful man …

    I laughed at your description of Bill’s packing, weighing and repacking rituals. It was as if my husband could have written this same description! Just last night I repacked my pack, took some things out, put a few in, reconsidered how much I was taking, received another package from Paddy Pallin and went through my checklist, again! It seems the Camino takes possession of your whole self, despite efforts to remain focused on other pursuits.

    I look forward to delicious chocolate and great coffee in Spain. Something will have to get me through!!

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    • Dear Anne,

      one of the big lessons I have learnt as a movie producer is that all the forethought and planning, (the packing and re-packing), is essential. It is the way you make sure you have covered off every foreseeable problem. Then you get down to the actual making of that movie (the walking).

      That’s when the unforeseen arrives on your path – and then I know my job has really begun. I have learnt, as everyone around me declares this problem a nightmare, to say “Hi, welcome! Sit down, take a weight off those huge feet. Let’s relax and talk this thing through so I can understand how you are here to help me! (This is the advice I gave Bill when his knee began to give him pain)

      All your preparation is essential – you mustn’t scrimp on it. And if anything you didn’t prepare for comes along, you will be able to say “Welcome! Tell me how you are here to help me?”

      Never let anything “tell” you its a negative.

      Now more importantly – Spanish chocolate – I think it is a bit hit and miss. So you are going to have try lots and lots and lots

      Jennifer.

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      • Oh my, what amazing advice! And, as usual, timely for me! Thank you Jennifer, for continuing to play here in this little playground with us! ~Julie

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